


Crashing Up Against The Waves of Time (I apologize)

by itouchedthefire



Series: The Soundtrack of You [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hopeful Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Immortal Magnus Bane, Immortality, Light Angst, M/M, Mortal Alec Lightwood, Songfic, Timeline What Timeline, casey breves made me do it, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27898111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itouchedthefire/pseuds/itouchedthefire
Summary: “I’m sorry” Alec finally said, breaking the thick silence that enveloped them “I had no right, and I was selfish. I’m sorry”“I said harsh things too, Alexander” Magnus answered “And for that I am sorry” he pushed himself upright, turning to stare into his Shadowhunter’s beautiful eyes “But this is clearly something we need to discuss, isn’t it?”OrAlec and Magnus talk about immortality.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: The Soundtrack of You [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859548
Kudos: 26





	Crashing Up Against The Waves of Time (I apologize)

**Author's Note:**

> okay listen there's NO WAY Casey Breves' I Apologize isn't the perfect anthem for Alec and his insecurities, I will fight you in this one. Also, this was completely my fault for letting my little brain go haywire after re-watching season 3. Also also, maybe this will turn into a 2 part thing? IDK but I really need to sleep after indulging myself so much.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy!
> 
> P.S.: in italic are verses from I Apologize by the amazing Casey Breves

_Hey I am sorry for the games I play inside my mind_

Alec knew he had no right to mess with Magnus’ things. He knew exactly how looking into the box Magnus held with so much care would completely break him, and yet there he was, staring at the picture of Magnus and George once again.

Magnus’ memento box was once again the motivator of a fight. Well, if one were to look at it objectively, one would notice that the issue was deeper-rooted then what Alec let on at first, but one was not present during the harsh words thrown around after the beautiful dinner they shared in Magnus’ balcony.

It was deeply-rooted into Alec’s whole being, if he were to try to explain it. Shadowhunters lived fast and died young, but in a much different way than the mundanes who used the expression. By twenty-three, a Shadowhunter was expected to be married and those who hit fifty were the older generation, their lives cut short by their very call to existence. Before Magnus, Alec had no issue with the fast pace of his life, even in the darkest days when he realized no much time was left for him and Jace before one of the two was gone and the other had to survive without half of his soul. For Alec, the quick pace he was used to was only a way to insure a fulfilling life before he passed in a blaze of glory.

But then Magnus came along and showed him the complete opposite of what he was taught. With Magnus, Alec’s life slowed down to a calm and comforting rhythm. He didn’t get stuck, none of that! If anything, he moved more forward in those few months than in the rest of his existence, but Alec was no longer looking for the next milestone, the next thing to cross out of his bucket list. Magnus taught him how to enjoy the small moments to its fullest, how to make the little mundane tasks something to be cherished, how to look forward without the dreading fear of immediate death staring back at him. Alec no longer wanted the fifty years his Shadowhunter body could give him with the amount of injuries and iratzes and his parabatai being as reckless as Jace was. He wanted fifty, sixty, seventy years of the small moments he and Magnus would have in the mornings before Alec needed to run to the Institute or before one of the Warlock’s clients showed up, and the even sweeter evenings they would have after the good and bad days. If the Shadowhunter closed his eyes and pictured that, he’d smile.

But so did George whilst imagining a life with Magnus. And so did the many others that Magnus kept stored away in his memento box.

_Hey please forgive me for not saying what could make it right_

When Alec had suggested his arrowheads or waffles to end up as something for Magnus to remember him by, it was completely driven by the insane fear, solitude and sadness that overcame him. It didn’t matter if he lived another fifty years beside the warlock. One day, he would hurt Magnus in a way no one could repair, no one could assist and no one could comprehend. Maybe if Jace were around when it happened, Magnus wouldn’t be completely alone, but even so. Parabatai were said to follow each other, and only the angels could tell how long the two would take to follow after their brother.

Magnus and Alec talked about it, of course. The conversation came up from time to time, to the warlock’s dread and Alec’s frustration. They never seemed to settle anything, just… Agreed to wait it out, cross the bridge when they came to it. It was tiring for the youngest of them, not having a definitive answer and not being able to really talk about it.

He sighed, putting the picture away and closing the box, the click of the wood reverberating in his brain. Alec stepped into the living room, seeing through the glass the remaining of their candle-lit dinner, the rose petals flying around as the wind blew across the night, ruffling Magnus’ loose waistcoat. The warlock was leaning on the rail, a glass of a colored drink in his hand; his head hung low and his shoulders were tight, a position Alec knew quite well as his defeated position. The man took up all the courage he could muster and stepped out to the balcony, knowing for a fact Magnus must’ve heard him, but the warlock made no move to acknowledge him.

Alec took him in as he leaned in the rail as well. Magnus never looked a day older than thirty, but right now it seemed as his four-hundred years were all at once weighing on him, and Magnus looked so, so tired the Shadowhunter had to stop himself from scooping the man into his arms and taking him to the comfort of the silk-lined bed he knew waited for them inside. He took a deep breath, being enveloped in the signature sandalwood scent he’d started to call home, and all of his heartstrings were pulled at once.

They stayed like that for a couple minutes, Magnus staring out into the city’s skyline and Alec staring at his boyfriend, neither of them ready to talk again.

_Today I keep crashing up against the endless waves of time_

_And I apologize_

“I’m sorry” Alec finally said, breaking the thick silence that enveloped them “I had no right, and I was selfish. I’m sorry”

“I said harsh things too, Alexander” Magnus answered “And fort that I am sorry” he pushed himself upright, turning to stare into his Shadowhunter’s beautiful eyes “But this is clearly something we need to discuss, isn’t it?”

“It’s just… I just…” Alec closed his eyes, annoyed at himself for his stuttering “I can’t fathom the idea of… Being this burden to you”

“I told you once before, Alexander, there’s no universe you would be a burden” the Warlock reached out, cupping Alec’s face and studying the features he fell so deeply in love for “But that’s not all, is it?”

Alec shook his head, and with a sigh Magnus guided them both to the spacious couch they so often curled up in. They sat side by side, holding hands as if that was the only thing keeping them from drowning in their thoughts and fears. It took a while for the Shadowhunter to collect his thoughts into something a little more cohesive than the bundle of anxiety cuddled up in his chest, but once he did…

“One day, I’ll die” Alec said bluntly, and he couldn’t help but notice how Magnus flinched at that “I’ll leave and you’ll be alone again. And I can’t… I can’t even think about… What it’ll be like for you. I can’t even imagine you gone without this feeling taking over me and making me rush to here so I can see you and see that you’re okay. I can’t deal with the fact that… The pain, the sorrow that closed your heart, I’ll be the one causing it”

“Oh, Alexander” Magnus caressed his boyfriend’s faced. Of course Alec wasn’t overthinking what Magnus’ immortality meant for himself, he was worried over _Magnus_. The warlock was once again taken back by how much his Shadowhunter loved him, and how much he loved him back. “For what it’s worth it, every time I see you leaving for the Institute, I wonder if that is the last time I’ll ever see you” his breath hitches as reality settled in “My heart does not settle before I come back home and you’re here with me”

“I’m scared of that too” the Shadowhunter admitted “Before, dying in battle was the ultimate goal, going out in a blaze of glory, so to speak. But now, it’s different” he took a deep breath “I have you now and… I want so much more than fighting demons and being the Clave’s little soldier. I want a life with you, Mags, with everything that comes with it”

_I know every action's not an echo of a distant fight_

“Immortality included?” Magnus’ voice was small and vulnerable. It wouldn’t be the first time he was told to be too much, but he didn’t know if he could handle those words coming from Alexander.

“Yes immortality included” this time, it was Alec who cupped his lover’s face “Nephilim only love once and you’re it for me, Mags. Your immortality is a part of who you are, it’s a part of the man I love. I learned to love it too, how experienced and travelled you are, how much knowledge you hold, how many stories you have to tell. I love it, I love you”

“I’m so sorry, my love” the warlock took Alec’s hands in his own “This isn’t about me, and I…”

“It is about you, Mags. It’s about us. It’s okay to let someone take care of you from time to time”

“You should take your own advice, my darling” Magnus caressed his face “I cannot bring myself to think about a time when you’re not beside me, Alexander. Doing so is just too painful for me right now. I just got you back” he kissed Alec’s calloused hands “I’m not ready to let you go, my dear. Not now, not in fifty years. Please, don’t take me not talking about it as me having accepted your death because…” Magnus shivered “I haven’t.

“Losing you will break me, Alexander. It will. But at least I’ll have the memories to keep me company. They’ll be… Painful for a while, and then they’ll be soothing” a single tear escaped Magnus’ eyes, now unglamoured and looking like liquid gold. “I have you now. The time we are given won’t be near enough for me to love you, but I’ll be thankful for every second in which I had you”

_And each conversation's more than reaching for familiar light_

“I love you, Alexander” Magnus let out in a shivering whimper “I love you heart and soul.”

“I love you too, Magnus” the Shadowhunter hugged his boyfriend, holding him tight. Once again, they hadn’t reached a conclusion, but there was no easy answer for what they were discussing.

The cold of New York enveloped them, matching the dread very alive inside the two lovers. But tonight, they ignored it. They held each other as if they had all the time in the world.

It was enough for now.

_But the glow is not enough to keep the cold from creeping in tonight_

_And I apologize_

_I wish I could be smooth as ice_

_With arms forever open wide_

_I wish that I could always shine in your eyes_

_I apologize_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading whatever this was, I really hope you guys liked it!
> 
> Kudos and comments are greatly loved <3  
> Stay safe out there <3


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